A film from ‘Asylum company’ an organisation notorious for releasing blockbuster rip offs such as the infamous ‘Transmoprhers,’ ‘Snakes on a Train’ is obviously trying to make a pretty penny off of ‘Snakes on a Plain.’ Except don’t mistake this film as a rip-off of that classic, rather, ‘Snakes on a Train’ a wholly original plot line with not a single similarity to ‘Snakes on a Plane’ and believe me when I say that this film could have done with borrowing a few lines.

The plot line really all happens at the start of the film and doesn’t really develop until the final 5 minutes. So basically you got this dude and this chick, the chick for some briefly mentioned reason has developed a disease from an ancient Mayan curse. This curse seems to assume that humans are made up of snakes and at regular intervals these snakes get vomited out of our fair maiden. The dude luckily knowing what the fuck is going on decides that she needs to get to L.A. where his grandfather who is a super Mayan shaman thing resides. From the help of a conveniently placed childhood friend they get on a train for cheap and stay in the back. She continues to puke up in this horrific case of worms while the Mayan dude is trying to keep her exact ailment hidden from everyone else, at the same time collecting each ad everyone of the snakes that comes out of her. Of course he misses a couple and the whole train goes crazy with snakes wriggling all over the place, men screaming like little girls, women not being too handy either and just some really incompetent characters.

These characters include a dumb woman who thinks smuggling drugs is ok and asking to see your ticket when you’re the conductor is the rudest thing possible, a bunch of ‘duuuuuuudes’ taken straight out of ‘bio-dome’, a horny middle aged man who really doesn’t think his pick up lines through, a family whose existence is… actually it is genuinely pointless: I think each of them has a single line, to name a few. But, I think the guy who steals the show is the ex-police man who is so goddamn perverted and evil that it’s really hard not to dig him and his cowboy hat.

Anyway, these fun people don’t really seem to acknowledge each other’s existence. Even when they’re all running from the snakes it’s not like they work together to form a plan of any sorts. They just run around screaming and dying in the most boring fashion possible!…and the snakes don’t even really do anything, there must be a grand total of 20 of these little fuckers and I find it hard to believe you couldn’t just step on them. Anyway this takes up quite a bit of the action and no one ever shows the slightest hint of being kick ass or uttering the line which is dying to be said “I want these mother fucking snakes off my mother fucking train!” especially since the train conductor is bordering on camp.

Finally we come to the conclusion, the cursed woman’s disease apexes and she turns into (spoiler!) a mother fucking HUGE snake. Now this is probably the only part of the film worth seeing, because while the graphics are really not top notch, the idea of someone turning into the most giant fucking snake you’ve ever seen in your life and then proceeding to eat the train and then simply dies from eating a magic ,necklace…distastefully the script writers decided to have the passengers survive, although this does allow the audience for the first time in the film to connect with the passengers in a general WTF moment. The passengers all look at each other in a way that just says… “did that happen?” They then seem to shrug their shoulders and follow the tracks in the middle of the desert. I liked how this completely surreal ending has made these people feel that not only did the events of this ending aren’t even worth a passing comment, no final line…nothing zilch.

And that’s ‘Snakes on a plane.’ The acting is poor the plot line is…well it’s ok to be fair. There are some original ideas and I have to admit the giant snake eating the train is worth a look at, but the thing as a whole is really really boring and not worth it. I wouldn’t even recommend it as a bad film that you can brag about having seen to your friends, it’s just simply awful and completely deserves a miss from everyone out there, including exploitation specialists…though knowing them, just by saying that they’ll probably go and watch it now…*sigh* fucking masochists. Happy VIEWING!

Oh I forgot, sorry about the delay. What with final exams and what not it’s difficult to find even a second of spare time.

All of them quite wise and able

One says to the other

“Have you seen my brother?”

“Why you silly goose!

Don’t you remember?

You let him fly alone and loose!”

“Oh my you’re right indeed!

I must go off, I too must be freed!”

The butterflies all looked at the others

and thought back to the advice of their mothers

But to no avail, none at all!

How could they ever have the gall

To think it possible to do something like that!

After all, they were wearing top hats.

————————————————————————————————-

Instant classic right here folks, nothing more needs to be said.

Yes that’s right ladies and gentlemen Rick Astley was not a one hit wonder, no he was of a rarer kind, a TWO hit wonder. After the success of  ‘never going to give you up’ in 1987 Mr. Astley continued to release singles and quite a number of these did in fact reach the  top 10 charts.  In total Rick has had 13 top 30 singles (including never going to give you up.) Not bad for someone who is really considered a one hit wonder, am I right? Well to be honest none of these ever matched his first single and never again would Mr. Astley hold the number one spot for 5 weeks in the UK charts, and I guess that’s why when we think of Rick Astley we always imagine him as this one hit God, a simple yet loveable household name…but little did I know, and most likely you up until this second that he in fact did come very close to repeating the success of ‘Never going to give you up.’ That’s right Rick Astley did have another number one hit single…and by god how it is good.

Well that is if you like the whole happy bubbly perfect-love song genre. ‘Together Forever’ was released in 1988 and was produced by SAW. It reached number one in the United states on the 18th of June as well as in Ireland, and it almost got a number one place in England as well, reaching the number 2 spot.

But enough about the history of the song, ‘is the song itself any good’ I hear you ask, well listen for yourself…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLsJryWc5XE&feature=channel

I personally think that Wikipedia sums it up pretty well to be honest, “It uses a similar chord structure and melody to ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’,but different lyrics.” Ye you know so that it is actually a different song. But ok I’ll be fair, I don’t actually mind this song…in a way I actually prefer it to ‘never going to give you up’. Now that could quite possibly be because Rick-rolling meant that for days we wouldn’t be able to not think about the song and as a result it began to get stale. So this could be very biased but, I dunno. The whole aim of the two songs in question is to make you wanna sing along and dance with Rick (you have to love his dance moves!) and I really felt that more with this song than ‘Never going to give you up.’ It’s faster, even more upbeat and the video is just so much brighter than ‘never going to give you up’ which seems to give the entire song a more radiant feel.And I guess some people out there might agree with me as it’s been covered by other bands and was never left to fully die, true these phantasmagorical bands such as ‘The softies’ and Jose Galistio are less than well-known,let alone known but the damn point is that they sung the song.

And well that’s it. There you have one of the lost treasures of music. As song which, while it was a hit single was eclipsed by its older brother as a cause of the internet, but then again would the younger generation even know of sir Astley if it had not been for the internet? who knows. That’s it from me for now, HAPPY LISTENING!

Oh I forgot, Mr. Rick Astley sir…if you’re reading this cold you maybe …re -release the two above mentioned songs? I’m sure they’d be amazing. OH and you could release them on vinyl to be all retro, *sigh* if only. ‘together forever dum dum dum di dum.’

It’s just so bad I don’t even know where to start. The deplorable characters? sickening plot? ear-vomit music? The fucking world for letting this exist? I dunno this is just one of them films which you just wish, wish from the bottom of your heart were never made or at least you forget that it existed. But, I can’t do that, I made a vow to warn you kind people of the internet to never ever watch it! I guess I’m not well known enough though to just make you take my word for it though am I? goddamnit.

So basically the plot is as follows. Pinocchio’s daughter is having her first period and she wants to get into boys pants who look 10 years older than her. So she becomes a bitch (girl logic), everyone hates her for 5 minutes and then out of the blue everything is a-ok and the lesson of the story is “be a prick, you’ll succeed.” As a sub plot she thinks that her mother is having an affair with and obviously gay man thus bringing up the common teenage issue of ‘Is my mother a transvestite?’ The father is in new Zealand being the only good thing in the film for taking up the least amount of my time and then there’s a bunch of scenes of 13-year-old girls stalking other girls to see their breasts. And yes this film is for kids.

The characters include so many obnoxious people that it’s really hard to define them as characters per se but rather as an amalgamation of the stupidity of certain teenagers. For example, the slang for breasts in this film is…go on guess…I dare you….nunga nungas. Thats right nunga nungas. Now if you find that stupid the reason for that name is even stupider so you may want to cover your ears or this, the reason why breasts are called nunga nungas is because that is the noise breasts make when you lift them up and let them drop. And sperm says ‘wee’ when it comes out of the dick. But anyway, so you got this really big nose bitch who is intolerably annoying at the start of the film and just becomes so much worse as the film goes on. She writes this diary where she fantasizes about penises and dreams of having a small nose. She also has an obsession with breasts as I earlier says and bring boys into the know-who about the pencil test. Don’t know about it? Well lets just say apparently young girls care about cleavage, who knew?

Her friends include the foreign girl, dumb girl and best friend who she (SPOILER) betrays…and then makes friends again with. The mother as previously stated is a transvestite and the father is not really there but quite highly respected for some reason, kinda like god. There’s a younger sister who…doesn’t do anything and cat called Angus who again doesn’t do anything, yet his name got in the title?bu-wa-meh? nevermind. You got the countless ‘hot’ boys which amount to 0 and instead we get saliva boy who is essentially a 13 year old male prostitute, the dude who came up with Nunga nungas, a generic stupid person and Robbie. What does one say about Robbie, the main romantic interest of nose. Well he’s charm…no,nic… wrong, horrible?…no not even that describes him. I’ve got it, Robbie is bland! thats the right word! There really isn’t much to say, he’s your generic pretty boy except without the pretty. I honestly don’t know what else to say about him…he says bitch in a kids movie thats kinda cool…em ye he’s kinda like if you got a white sheet of paper, decided it wasn’t white enough so you painted it white, that pretty much sums up Robbie.

Seriously I could go on this film is just pure shizer. However, I always try to find one thing that I liked in the film so here it is. The lighting, while not particularly amazing does certainly go beyond what you’d expect of such a bad movie. It’s bright in the day and slightly darker at night, there’s enough light on penis nose’s face for us to be able to really understand the enormity of her nose and by god is it one ugly nose. He really was lighting the way for me to understand just how much I detest this film and so I thank you Mr. light man, people should really respect you and your fellow light men more than they do.

Thanks for reading this review, please take my advice and stay away from Angus Thongs and blah blah blah (especially boys, it turns your brain to slush). HAPPY WATCHING!

Oh I forgot the music! well no biggy its not like anyone would even download the soundtrack for free.

Just a few moments ago I came across this http://www.sega.co.uk/games/project-needlemouse/?t=EnglishUK

Now…how can you not be excited, sure the name is shit but whats a name? Point is, could I have been right? Have Sega been hiding their master game from us for ages? and now is finally the time to bring the blue speed freak back into gameing history? Or, are they lying should we forget about it and just move on. My suggestion is to do a bit of both. Lets be real the probability of this game actually being good is so incredibly low that the devil himself can’t reach it. Nothing for years with the Sonic title has been any good. Arguably sonic rush was..ok but it played itself most of the time and while a step in the right direction ultimatly was just the best of a crap lot. On the other hand, this ad does promise us speed, 2d and built from the ground up?

The speed firstly is the thing I think most fans have been rolling on the floor in pain with. For years we’ve wanted the speed demon to be fast and for years we haven’t got it. Unleashed came close but… goddamn night mode. 2d was another big thing. Unlike Mario Sonic (I think many can agree) was just not made for the 3rd dimension and who cares? 2d games are good heck in reality 2d games have a much better ratio of good games to bad than 3d games do. So I do think that maybe we should be happy that sega are going to give 2d another shot and hopefully this time it’ll work. And lastly ‘built from the ground up?’ personally I think there is a lot to be taken from this line…and yet what are you taking? I have a funny feeling that this is some kind of inside joke about the game play of the game or something but it also can be interpreted as Sega decided to forget everything that they had done so far with the 3d sonic and just start all over! If this is what they’ve actually done oh boy oh boy oh boy I find it hard to look down on this new idea,whatever it may be. Also, I really can’t not welcome the classic female 16bit era sega logo voice at the start of the ad let alone the winged logo for with the main character coming out of a dark hole in the middle that we know and love from Sonic games long since left to collect dust in the attic.

So in conclusion of this rapid post, look forward to this game. At this stage everything is speculation but I really think that sega may be trying to bring back old school Sonic games and how awesomely nostalgic ould that be? With that said keep a safe distance. No one wants to be around this thing if it explodes now do they? HAPPY GAMING!

Oh I forgot, I mean really, it’s going to be a step up, How could they possibly make Sonic any shitter than he already is? *thunder stroms in the bacground.*

English-jelly
German- gelee
French-gelée
Italian-gelatina
Spanish- gelatina
Portuguese-gelatina
Dutch-gelei
Romanian-jeleu
Finnish-hyytelö
Greek-ζελές
Swedish-gelé
Norwegian-gelè
Danish-gelé
Hindi-अवलेह [avaleh], जेली [jelee],  मुरब्बा [murabbaa] (they must like jelly)
Russian-желе(…xepie?)
Japanese-zerii
Chinese-guŏdòng
Korean-젤리 (again I have just no clue how you pronounce this crazy  language.)
Polish-galaretka
Irish-glóthach
Latin- Doesn’t exist  I think
Swahili-After many a minute and hour and second and day looking for a dictionary which could tell me the swahili word for jelly…I have failed. I’m sorry class I have failed you…oh well who cares.

Wow! some great words there huh? And now you’ll know when you’ve gotten lost in a jelly factory and be able to get out (unless you don’t want to muhaha!)Imagine getting trapped in a jelly factory in a foreign country. Man that’d be freakin’ sweet!!!!!!!!!!!(get it?) Anyway I hope you all learnt some valuable lessons today, until next time!

Oh I forgot, sucks for the romans not having jelly…maybe…maybe I’ll go back in time and bring some with me so that they can enjoy it in all its wobbly wonder.

So, there I was at by besties barbeque, we were all getting along great but sadly my bestie had been somewhat ignorant (as was I) on how to get a barbeque going. So, when one of the guests who arrived actually knew how to do it we were all very happy…and hungry. We would have to wait awhile for the barbeque to get hot enough to cook meats, and so we were left with things like crisps doritoes an dip for said doritoes. It wasn’t much as you could have guessed but it kept us going.

I was not completly satisfied though. I wanted something weird something new, something no one had tried before, something similar to the chips. But what? All I had to work with was crisps and dip…or did I? It suddenly cam to me in a wild flash of frantic muhs and wahs and wails and tears ” THERE’S A BARBEQUE!” and so with wicked lightning speed I dashed across the garden at the speed of light with the holy pringles that I had been slowly nibbling on and got to the barbeque. Now here is where the recipe begins…

All you need is a barbeque, some pringles and if you’re wild some dip to go with it. Quite simple, place the pringle on the barbeque and once you feel that its been on long enough or its dark enough turn it over so that the other side can get burnt to a crisp (ho ho ho) too. Once done take the pringle offf the barbeque (making sure you do not burn yourself)(also if you want to put dip on it now would be a good time so that you get the contrasting feelings of hot and cold at the same time) and place in mouth and slowly start to chew. Didn’t think it’d work did ya? Again like the chips this recipe does not look very appetizing but it certainly does add something to pringles, and if you don’t get a nice taste out of it you can at least stand around the barbeque with your friends laughing at yourselves for cooking pringles. HAPPY COOKING!

Oh I forgot, yes the pringles at this barbeque were a massive success, maybe even more so than my chips!

Now before I begin I will admit that I haven’t completed sonic unleashed but I’ve played enough of it to know the jist of what was going on. So here’s how the game works the game is split into night and day. While its day you’re sonic, while its night you’re…sonic the werehog (get it werewolf+hedgehog=werehog? haha what creativity.) And you’re going around the world trying to restore the chaos emeralds cause some giant sleeping monster that “ROBOTNIK” (fucking eggman) woke up…except he didn’t, may destroy the world…or did he already? I mean when you start the game the world is all split and basically the planet has been destroyed. But anyway the plot doesn’t matter in  a sonic game…or at least it shouldn’t! Ye you have to do this really annoying wandering around towns talking to people thing which isn’t important and you can just skip over all conversation without seeing what they’re saying because who gives a fuck, but still its there and it shouldn’t be cause its just silly. So I’m going to have to mark Sonic Unleashed down for its crappy story…oh ye chip is a really really bad new character. Can anyone answer me why they keep on feeling the need to add new characters to the sonic phone book? I mean seriously it was perfect at knuckles tails amy metalix ROBOTNIK and sonic it really was…maybe minus the amy.

Now here is how team sonic showed that they decided to think for this game. The day time levels are really very good! You don’t bump into things as much as you used to in the other 3d soic games, the courses are fun,its kinda like a course on a racing game so there isn’t any backtracking and you just go forward trying to get to the goal as fast as possible(bring the idea of speed strongly back to the series, and god knows its been lacking in it for years.)  Sonic is actually fast, there are a few (not many but a few) different paths you can take, enemies can be jumped over like in the good old sonic games, And of course there are some sections which are basically the same as the old 2d games, bringing back the loop d’ loop and what not. The day time levels are of course no match for the original sonic games but none the less, if they had started making 3d sonic games like this and expanded on the idea to make it even better I could honestly say that I would buy those Sonic games. Its fun, exhilarating and is a real reminder of what Sonic used to be about. It really was a good idea and I whole heartedly applaud the creators of the game for thinking of it.

Now take that applause and just…throw it away. What the fuck were they thinking? A werehog? seriously? you want me to play as a bloody werehog?…….I almost turned off the game when I saw it the first time. BUT, I was fair, I decided to give it a shot…worst mistake of the week probably. so you’re sonic and for some bad reason (I don’t care for the plot) he’s a werehog and his arms stretch for some unexplained reason. anyway he’s slow and has to take down every enemy he crosses paths with. his levels are linear and he levels up sorta. And the music, oh god the music! that jazzy theme that plays when you’re fighting enemies will make you go insane its so so so so SOOO bad. I mean the day time level music isn’t the best but its enjoyable and head noddable, but the night time music just makes you vomit all over the controller. PERSONALLY I actually think it is a family friendly god of war rip off. He swings his arms like kratos swings those sword chainy things, he recovers health by these green lights that come out of enemies ( also collecting rings) his exp is like the green light but red and his magic power which is just power in the game is recovered by blue lights. At the end of the levels the red lights fill up a circle which gives werefag new powers. All sound familiar? maybe not maybe I’m paranoid but the point still stands that the werehog is a sorry excuse for bad platforming and a boring fighting system…as well as a cheap god of war rip-off…at least in my eyes. Also the werehog howl gets really annoying after about the before you here it.

So in the end of the day what the fuck happened? Sega had a really fantastic idea with the day time level and for some reason they decided that they needed to fuck the game up and add the stupid werehog. Why? well according to sega it was so that they could attract a new audience… Well that doesn’t make any damn sense does it? Sonic has, is and always will be known for his speed. Not his fighting ability or slow platforming, I mean what the fuck? seriously? where did they get the idea to make him slow? It is just utterly mind boggling when you get down to it. Who wanted to make sonic slow? like thats just too stupid to be humanly possible! Which leads me to believe that its a conspiracy theory! Sega are either making us think that sonic is shit so that they bring out a really good sonic game and are all like KA POW! SONIC RULEZ! Or, they’re trying to kill him slowly by making bad games and making us hate that speed freak so that they can bring in a new mascot…It wouldn’t be the first time after all…remember alex kidd?…except all his games sucked hehe.

So basically, if you’re willing to torture yourself for ages to play those very few minutes of gold in sonic unleashed then I suggest you go out and buy it. But I advise you to not buy it, maybe rent it or make a friend buy it and play the good bits at their house hehe. If you’re like me and think that a game is meant to be fun and nothing else, then buy a copy….AND BURN IT! HAPPY GAMING!

Oh I forgot! What the fuck is the deal with chip? “want some chocolate?” over and over. I just can’t get over what the hell he’s doing in a sonic game. And he has a crystal that opens doors! for no explained or even questioned reason! I assume he’s something like the master emerald incarnate, but if he is. Jesus, the master emerald is personified as chip? thats… just gay. If I’m wrong please someone correct me cause I really hate thinking that the master emerald is…chip…