P. D. Fucking As

Before I begin, please no one out there take offence at what I’m about to say, it’s only an opinion.

I hate PDAs. Like I really really REALLY hate the things. For those of you who don’t know what a PDA is it is quite simply ‘public display of affection.’ Now some of you out there might think that I’m one of them communists who think that these should be outlawed but that is not quite the case. I can take them up to a certain point, but once that line is crossed well I just get pissed. To give you a sense of how far I think it is fair to go without crossing the line I’ll give a crud sorta chart.

1) Quick hug
2) a small amount of verbal or physical flirting
3) Medium length hug
4) Holding hands
5) Long hug
(Once you pass this line I get angry at you, though at the same time long hugs would be best avoided if you‘re trying to be a pro at not annoying people with PDAs.)
6) Kissing without tongue
7) Kissing with tongue
8.) Eating each other’s faces
9) Feeling each other up
10) Having sex

So as you can see I’m not completely unfair about it.

“But what is the problem in the first place?” some may ask. Well… it’s annoying, it’s rude and it’s inconsiderate. Maybe you’re lucky enough to be with your partner right now but think of all those people around you in the world who are no where near their loves and how long it’ll be till they see them again. And what about those poor people who have only recently been dumped? Do these people really need to be reminded of such things? No, they don’t is the answer. And on top of those types of situations what about the person who doesn’t have a partner to share their love with? Or even the couple who realise that PDAs are an unwanted thing but then see ye there  practically having sex and think it to be unfair and get angry.
Now I do realise that it is difficult to avoid PDAs all the time. I am not completely guilt free I’ll admit, but I at least do realise when I’m doing it that while it feels so right I may be making those walking by uncomfortable and so I try my best to avoid PDAs as much as possible.

Anyway I’m tired now. This was a late night rant about something or other. HAPPY CLEAN FUN!

Oh I forgot, this is not directed at anyone in particular. I swear to god!

An Interesting Case of Amnesia

This is more a call for an explination rather than anything else and if anyone out there knows anything about dreams and/or memory and can tell me what this particularly weird thing is I’d be quite happy to hear their explination.

Well it started out like any other night. I got into bed closed my eyes and fell asleep. I usually do not remember my dreams and when I do i tend to forget them a few minutes after waking up. But this night….was no diffrent I didn’t remember a single dream.But here is where it gets interesting. When I awoke I found that not only could I not remember my dreams…I couldn’t remember the names of anyone that was close to me! I could remember people that weren’t close like teachers and classmates wth whom I do not speak to on a regular basis, but I couldn’t remember the names of anyone that was close to me, friends, family, pets none of them! And this wasn’t a minute long thing. For a whole 20 minutes I was struggling to remember my mother and fathers names! I could remember faces and personalities everything about everyone just the names had vanished from my head. Another interesting thing about this incident was how the names came back. They came back to me in a particular order, that being the name of the person I consider the least important of the closest people to me came first then the next most important person and so on until the most important person in my life’s name came back to me.

I guess why I’m putting this post up on this topic was cause I thought that this was kinda strange. Something like this has never happened to me before and has not happened since. If anyone out there knew what this strange occurance was I’d like to know, and maybe there are others out there who have weirder stories about their sleep. Anyway until then HAPPY SLEEPING!

Oh I forgot, I won’t tell anyone the actual order of the names that came back to me so that no one’s feelings are hurt.

A Truthful Story of Bullshit

So there I was, sitting there eyeing up the pen looking for it’s weaknesses. It was pink and long, but not clean. No there was a little area that was completely dirtied with ink of previous ink cartridges. This pen had come up against a lot in it’s short life. I could tell. The adventures it must have faced to get to here, this point in time, no one could possibly recount all of it’s them. Perhaps it had been used by a pilot while writing to his girlfriend during a dog fight, or maybe it was used by a wife to write down the recipe of  cake for a friend, it may have even been used to sign legal papers, or write the great American novel who knows! The point was this long pink tubular stylish biro pen was now in my hand and I had to fight it, take it on, prove to it that I was a man. But before that I had to inspect it a bit more.
See I hadn’t bought this pen, I was given it and thus I did not have the chance to check it over and figure out if I could trust it. At first it seemed fine though I worried about the ‘flame’ design on the side which may have been a message, an omen…a warning, And as  the weeks went by I grew fonder and fonder of it finally accepting it as a part of my existence. Part of who I was. But then tragedy struck. The ink cartridge on the inside became desolate of ink and if I were to save the pen’s life I would have to put a new cartridge in. Here’s were I made my biggest mistake. Not being well taught in the mechanic’s of pens I failed to comprehend that the ink cartridge is much like a soul for a human. If you put the wrong soul in the wrong body you get horrible outcomes. And this was one of those unfortunate events. The pen wouldn’t work with the new cartridge, it wouldn’t write, it would purposely disobey it’s master. So I began my search for a ‘soul’ for my pen. But first I needed to extract the cursed cartridge from the body of the pen. And so you are now up to speed with the events that lead to this epic battle of man vs. pen, master vs. servant…author vs. writer.
After close inspection I decided that the best attack would be to take the top off. A simple enough plan, but hardly and easy one. The cartridge had logged itself inside the pen and wouldn’t allow me to open the pen up to proceed with the extraction process. I struggled  for many a minute trying to get the top off. Using my hands teeth and whatever tools were at my disposal like tweezers. But sadly none of these lead to my victory over the monster pen. I sat there looking at it as it stared back at me. To be honest it frightened me. This was no long an ordinary pen, it was a deamon. I paced up and down the room when and idea struck my head like an anvil. “If I cannot get the cartridge out…I’ll just destroy it while it is in the pen!” and so I got to twiddling with the bits of the cartridge which I could put an impression on. Again I ferociously battled with the pen rolling on the floor and screaming to the gods to give me aid in my seemingly endless battle but finally, and in a single instant… *snap*  The cartridge snapped while it was on the inside! I could finally remove the broken malevolent soul from the pen’s body. Which is what I did. I took the cartridge in my hand and watched as the evil ink leaked out onto my hand. Feeling pity for it I gave the cartridge  soldier’s death. I brought the body to the sink to cleanse it of any vial ink which may have been left over from the spillage and left it on my desk to dry. And there is now sits till I find a soul worthy of it’s glorious body.

Oh I forgot, the moral of the story is don’t stick things where they don’t belong.

Strangers in the Night

Ok this is a quick story of sharing a moment with a complete stranger/s. This is a true story and though it doesn’t seem like a lot I think I’ll remember it for years to come.

I walked onto the LUAS/glorified bus at about 9:30 on a Sunday night and saw two men in their late 20s sitting down together. Being the extraverted kinda person that I am, I decided to sit with them in one of the seats just opposite them. A few moments late the doors to the LUAS began to close and another man this time in his early 30s jumped through the closing door almost getting squished, but he managed to get through all right. I assume he like me wished to be friendly and sat in the other seat in the section where us three were sitting. We all shared a glance of approval and a nod, but didn’t speak. And so we all got to doing our own thing. The 20 year olds were reading a paper, the 30 year old was tapping his chair and I was looking out onto the dark streets of the city. All of a sudden I heard a noise. “uh-uh oh OH oh ye!” I sat up and started to listen again to see if I had heard correctly. “OH YES YES YES FUCK ME OH YES HARD FUCKING HELL SCREW ME HARDER!” The four of us sitting together and  looked at one another and looked at each other with this expression which was the very definition of ‘what the fuck!?’ We looked around and found out that there was a man in his early 30s in the seats just ahead of us. And of course he was watching porn. Can you imagine? There was a man on the LUAS just randomly watching porn on his phone! And he wasn’t being discrete about it at all like you could hear every orgasm as clear as one could hear their own thoughts. Anyway not really knowing what to do the four of us shared another look of confusion and continue on doing what we were doing. Eventually the man stopped watching porn and started listening to some really annoying tunes. Eventually the 30 year old in our group got up and nodded his head to acknowledge that we had shared a moment of weirdness and that he was now departing. We each nodded our heads in response. I was the next to depart and did the exact same thing as the 30 year old. And as I made my way home I thunk a little. ‘Those men there, I’ll never see them again but at the same time we have something special that I shan’t forget for awhile to come…funny init?’ Then I went home and petted my cat.

Oh I forgot, seriously if you watch porn in public like that for god’s sake stop. It’s freaky!

The Art Of Annoyance

Annoyance…is it not the purest art form out there? Does any other art form bring people as close together as that of annoyance? If there is I have never come across or heard of it. When you annoy someone on purpose it is a sign of deep affection. To compare it to a lesser art form for those who do not understand, annoying someone on purpose is the same (except more meaningful) as writing a love song to that person. It shows you care, that you love. But what is art without an emotional reaction? (entertainment actually see art and you hehe) The common responses to being annoyed by someone such as “FUCK OFF” or “GO AWAY YOU FREAK!” are very deep and meaningful orders. And they can mean many things depending on tonality but the most common meanings are…
1) aww your such a sweetie I love you too.
2) I despise your very existence.
But here’s the amazing thing. If the person being annoyed means the second option that actually is even more deep and meaningful than the first one. Why? Because it is pure passion directed towards a single person and this passion more commonly than not means that they care about the person who is annoying them. If they didn’t why else would they pay attention to the annoyer’s annoying actions of annoyance? And with such a strong reaction you can bet your money that this passion that the annoyie feels is a passion of love.

Now after that I’m sure everyone out there is dying to learn how to annoy their love, their one and only sweet heart, their Venus, their partner maybe just their close friend or maybe even their husband or wife! Well have no fear I shall provide you with a crash course on how to create a successful piece of  artistic annoyance. But first I’d like to explain why I felt the need to write this post it’s only a short story so stick around or if you don’t give a shit skip this. I constantly annoy my love (as she will be called until I come up with a better nickname) it be a sort of game that I play. I wake up every morn and ponder how I can annoy her in a new way. Some days I’m incredibly successful in coming up with ideas other  days I’m not as victorious however never do I let a good idea or chance to annoy be passed up. Now one day my love decided it was time for her to declare her love for me through the art of annoyance. To say the least she failed miserably. Her plan was to make confetti and throw it at me. Quite an ingeniously laid out plan (I expected nothing  less from her) but it’s execution and result were strongly lacking. She did the deed while we were in the school hall and thus not all of the confetti made contact with me (however a lot did.) The second problem with the plan was how I reacted. I was quite uncaring about the whole thing. “Confetti? So what? that’s nothing I’ll just take the pieces of as the day goes by I don’t give a shit about how I look!” So ultimately the plan to annoy me was a failure. It was then that I realized that the art of annoyance is not built into every human naturally and that it was my destiny to show every human how to be annoying to those that they care about. So here it is my list of tips on how to be a successful when annoying someone.

1)Never do anything that requires you to waste your time or suffer in order to annoy someone this only destroys the purpose and give the annoyie the ability to say “why would you even do that?”

2)Not every act of annoyance has to be well thought out and planned ahead. Something as simple as the constant ‘pock the shoulder’ trick works wonders sometimes.

3) This is for annoying your partner in particular. Find a way to annoy him or her which is slightly cute. For example whenever my love wears a coat with a hood I have to ‘hood’ her.

4) If the annoyie pulls the ‘I’m better than this I’m not annoyed at all’ this mean “keep on annoying me please I love it more than you can tell.”

5) Do not stop for anything. Time, money, space anything. Even if the annoyie starts shouting abuse at you do not stop for anything and continue to annoy them.

6) While in point 5 I have said do not stop for anything if one relates this to point 1 one can see that once you are starting to get irritated by your own acts of annoyance (which sadly does happen but after a short break you’ll be ready to start annoying again) you should stop.

7) Like any other type of art form, some people just cannot appreciate the art of annoyance. If you find one of these philistines it is essential that you teach them the ways of the art of annoyance by annoying them constantly without breaks. This is the only time you should have to suffer in order annoy someone and in the end it is for the greater good. If you didn’t do it their lives would end up being unfulfilled and meaningless.

8.) If you come across one of the above mentioned philistines who will not accept that annoying someone is an art form it is vital that you eliminate them in some shape or form. People like that tend to turn out to be serial killers and or rapists. (FACT)

9) Do not forget that the art of annoyance is much like sex. It is an experience that both parties must enjoy and while there is no doubt that the annoyie will enjoy beinig annoyed if you are not having fun annoying the annoyie you must talk it over with them and find out where each party can improve in the whole process. If there is no advancement in your amusement of annoyance then you have to strongly question your relationship with the annoyie.

10) And my final tip for now is the following. NEVER EVER EVER annoy someone by pocking them in the eye. It’s just not worth it.

So I hope you can take this list and apply it to yourself. A few ideas to get you started are: tickling the annonyie, repeating what they say, saying the opposite of what they say in a confirmation tonality (e.g. them: “So I went to town yesterday” you: “you stayed at home?”), pock them, call them nicknames which you know they do not like and steal their shoes (this last one is best done only on occasion if done too regularly you risk the annoyie actually getting annoyed.) If there are any other annoyance artists out there I would ask them to leave a comment suggesting other tips on how to be a good annoying annoyance artist. Who knows maybe we can learn from one another and bring the art of annoyance into a brand new annoying renaissance. But until then, fellow annoyers and laymen…HAPPY ANNOYING!

Oh I forgot, this is a warning. There is a huge difference between annoying someone on purpose and annoying someone by accident. Make sure whoever you are annoying knows that you are doing it on purpose or else you risk losing that person as a friend/partner which could result in you becoming a ginormous prick. (no joke)